


Now I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time

by muffinalien



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Season/Series 08 Finale, shiro is bad at relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 22:52:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18765937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muffinalien/pseuds/muffinalien
Summary: It takes Keith's death for Shiro to realize how much he loved him





	Now I'm paralyzed, still stuck in that time

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a post talking about how Keith seems the kind of person to die young.
> 
> So, Shiro is Bad at relationships. What if he only notices that Keith is The One when he dies? Also, he doesn't have the guts to divorce Curtis

After the wedding, Keith goes away. For good. He starts with humanitarian missions, and for a while those are really satisfying. At least he is helping people. 

 

Sometimes he thinks of Allura. He feels ungrateful, but he can't help but think 'Why?'. She saved all those universes, she gave away her life, and yet so many of her most beloved bear the worst. Lotor stayed dead. Coran is in a permanent state of grief, having lost everything he ever loved twice, although much healthier and more productive than others. Lance never got quite over her loss. He became quieter, more melancholic. Settled down with his family, and Keith doesn't think he ever saw the man pilot again. Sometimes he visits his old buddy. They never talk much. But he feels like Lance is the one closest to getting it. 

 

But the grief inside him slowly seeps into his very bones. His so hard won self control spun from the surety of being loved, of knowing his place in the world. And now? He wasn't so sure of it. 

 

He started to become closed off again. More aggressive. More reckless. And eventually, dangerous missions become necessary again. His mother tried to stop him, and he knew he was breaking her heart. She talked him out of it several times, but he always goes back to being reckless again. 

 

He is often getting close calls. Krolia worries about him. Kolivan worries about him. The generals worry about him. But he keeps going. 

 

Until it's too close. 

 

____________

 

 

It's morning. Shiro has just gotten out of bed, still groggy from sleep. He gives Curtis and their son a kiss each and takes his communication pad from where it's charging in the table. 

 

"Takashi-", his husband starts. But doesn't prepare him on time. Not like anything could. 

 

When he reads the message, he drops the device. It hits the floor and the screen shatters. 

 

He can't believe what he read. 

 

Keith is dead. 

 

His head is spinning. His hands won't stop trembling. Their little boy startles and starts to cry. Curtis rushes to comfort him. 

 

"I'm so, so sorry. I know how close you two were" 

 

Curtis goes get their son. The poor boy is still crying from where he is sitting in the table. He picks him up and shushes him.

 

Shiro's legs slowly give out and he stays there, kneeling on the floor. Curtis and his son go give him a hug. 

 

Keith is dead. 

 

*

 

The funeral is in the next day, on Earth. Apparently, he is gonna be buried with his father, whose grave had incredibly survived the whole Galra invasion. 

 

It's a closed casket. It seems that the creatures that slain him had completely destroyed his face. 

 

Krolia doesn't cry. The woman is quiet, just accepting the hugs and condolences quietly. She barely spares him a look. She is more tense than he thought was possible. Kolivan is by her side.

 

The ex-paladins are there, as well as Coran. Pidge is crying on Matt's shoulder, whose face is red and wet. Hunk is right away bawling his eyes out. Lance's eyes are rimmed red and his mouth is set on a tense line. From time to time, he lets out a barely contained sob. Coran is hugging him. 

 

Shiro makes it outside the room until he throws up. Curtis is with him, their son left with a nanny. He wishes he weren't. The man sits him down, and asks for water. Shiro kinds of tune off after then. 

 

The burial is a blur. Krolia gives a speech. They walk to the grave, the casket is lowered, flowers are thrown. Later he will think about how his body is there forever to decay and turn to dust and Shiro didn't even have an opportunity to hold his hand or see his face one last time. Belatedly, he realizes how much he loved Keith. 

 

*

 

Shiro can't stop thinking about Keith. 

 

He remembers all of their time together, up until then. How did he let him go away like that? Why did they ever stopped really talking besides official reports? Because that's the thing, they hadn't really talked in years. God, what the hell had he been doing? 

 

*

 

He gets through the worst of the grief. He goes back to his life. And he kinda hates himself for it. His boy helps a lot. Seeing him taking his first steps is always a wonder, no matter how sad he feels. 

 

The realization comes to his awareness slowly. He can't exactly pinpoint the moment he notices it. It surely starts with the remembering post burial, of all the good moments, and the revisiting of the feelings. The gates of that part of his heart opened and poured through him, filled his being until it overflowed. The worst of it slowly seeped away but the damage the flood caused was never repaired. 

 

If Curtis ever notices it, he doesn't comment, although he does send him some long, sad glances when he thinks Shiro isn't paying attention. 

 

Shiro loves Curtis. He really does. But he is also keenly aware of how he is not Keith.

 

 

*

 

Over the years, Shiro has gotten it down to a resigned acceptance. That Keith is dead. That he was too slow to realize what the man meant to him. Shiro keeps his life with Curtis, watches their boy grow. He keeps to their quiet life on Earth. 

 

He never talks about it to anyone. It just became the way he thought about Keith in his head. The one that got away, the love of his life. The years pass and pass and pass and he can't ever forgive himself. But he goes on with his life, even if he never feels whole again. 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about this concept for a while and today I woke up three in the morning with a need to write it.
> 
> So, tell me what you thought about it in the comments! Constructive criticism is welcome! Go yell at me on twitter @muffinalien


End file.
